Hello and Happy Monday,
What a week! My children were on Spring Break and we all got a taste of summer. Admittedly, I love when they are home with me and there is no school. I also love school and have the highest respect for teachers! But there is something special about having the entire day together, sleeping in and not rushing. We had a laid back week – playing in the yard, making soap, creating and planting “Melissa’s Garden”, watching movies, and going on our first family bike ride.
It’s the last full week of April and I’m still focusing on Santosha – complete contentment. It's definitely a concept that is difficult for me.
Last week I got some great advice from one of my favorite people. We were talking about opinions and I was sharing some feedback I recently received, and he told me “what other people think of you, is none of your business”. It’s been resonating with me and I’ve been thinking about it every day. In fact, I’ve written down every time someone shares with me their view of me, then I rip it up and throw it away. As I have written in the last few weeks, I do not handle receiving criticism well. In fact, I can become defensive about said critique and can’t let it go. I’ll share the criticism with my friends and keep bringing it up until I’m over it. Which can take a while. I think, like most, getting negative feedback can be difficult. With that said, I am also not great at accepting compliments. While I may brush them off, I have learned to say thank you, meanwhile inside there is a whole story happening.
We can never be truly content if we allow others to determine our value. Remember, what other people think of us is none of our business. And frankly, it doesn’t matter. Could we actually do this? Could we stop caring so much of what others think of us? We are our own worst critic so why do we need other opinions mucking it up? Could we build up ourselves on our own? Could we find contentment there, minding our own business?
What do you think?
Hello and Happy Monday,
It’s tax day! It’s also halfway through April and it’s Spring Break for us this week. Lots of things happening. I’m still focusing on Santosha - complete contentment - and what that means. In one of my yoga books in reading about Santosha, non-grasping is mentioned. I’m going to define that here as not grasping for perfection. We sometimes have the tendency to forget that we are human, full of imperfections. Perfect synonyms are ideal, model, without fault, flawless, best, and ultimate to name a few. I'm pretty realistic and know that none of these words define me or my life and I'm really ok with that. But what happens when I'm imperfect, not burn what I'm cooking, miss teaching a side in yoga, forget to do something, but something big, flawed, second-rate, broken. Have you been imperfect like that?
I have. I have made mistakes, big mistakes. I have lied, I have stolen from others, I have hurt friends and family, I have judged others unfairly, I have been selfish. But the biggest mistake has been that I have not forgiven myself for these errors. Instead, I feel shame, guilt, and regret. I cower when I see those I have hurt, I avoid those I have stolen from, and I ignore those I have judged unfairly and in turn, I give them all my power. So, what do I do? Compassion. It starts with compassion.
For me, this has been a LONG process. I have these high expectations for myself. I tell my kids all the time, we all make mistakes, and it's ok. And I really do believe that. For them, any mistake they make will be ok, for me, only the little ones are ok. I would like things to be different so I'm changing them. Day by day. I like to think of slow progress as pieces of sand. I drop more and more sand until... there is a hole in the wall and I can escape from Shawshank. But really, I forgive a little at a time until I gain my own freedom. Free to be me no matter where I am or who is around me.
Once again, I'll ask you. How do you find compassion and kindness for yourself when you have made a mistake? I know there are no shortcuts, but I'll gladly reach out my hand for help.
To complete contentment and with love,
Hello and Happy Monday,
Spring is here! I hope everyone got to experience the beautiful weather over the weekend. I heard from some of you about your 5 frequent positive actions to conquer the negativity and it was very inspiring - please keep the emails coming!
I have been thinking a lot about Santosha and complete contentment with myself and with others. It brings me to our "stories". We all have a story. Our stories are filled with heartache, love, failures, accomplishments, all our stuff. Sometimes we get stuck focusing on what didn't go our way (there is that negative bias again), or we create patterns from our experiences - since this hasn't happened or didn't work out x amount of times, then I'm not trying again. And this creates limits.
There is no way we can find contentment with ourselves if we place limits. We do it with others too. We meet someone and sometimes our brain starts making assumptions.
I remember my interview process at Prudential. I was in my early 20's and I spent the day being asked many questions and finally passed up to the VP of Information Technology for a job as a financial analyst. As I sat in front of this Vice President of Information Technology, such a lofty title, I noticed the ring on her finger and it was beautiful. It was a sapphire stone in an emerald cut with two diamond trillions on each side, I can still see it. She looked like she was pregnant (I said nothing) and I immediately started creating a story as she reviewed my resume. I thought to myself it wasn't a typical engagement ring so maybe her husband gave it to her as an anniversary present. And I started imagining their life, what did he do, did they have other children, where did they live? Lots of questions and assumptions entered my mind. After I accepted the position and was working for a few months with her, I was invited to our department party where we could invite our significant others. Turns out she was pregnant, with her third child, and her husband I had imaged was imaginary - she had a wife. (Really her partner, because same-sex marriage wasn't legal in NJ then.) I remember feeling judgemental and presumptuous to make up such a story about someone I knew nothing about. About a year later, after we were closer, I told her about how I made up that story and she told me she made up a story based on how I looked and dressed. At the time I had a very short haircut almost shaved sides of my head and just like now, I dressed in mostly black - she made the assumption that I was gay. I can tell you this - we laughed for a long time and we made a promise to each other not to make up stories anymore but instead to be more present in our interactions with others.
That's a harmless story and one that I hold so close because I learned so much from that initial experience and much more throughout my 11-year career at Prudential. We know there are plenty of stories that we can create that are much more harmful to others and to ourselves.
Here is what I believe, there has to be a balance. There are parts of my story that I do not like, but without those parts I would not be here, sitting in my kitchen, writing this blog. Every part of our story has helped shape us into who we are today. In order to create the contentment, the story doesn't have to change, but the filter in which we view our story, the way in which we tell it, could change. What is your story? Do you create a story for those you've never met? How much do you rely on your story to dictate how you make decisions? Let me know!!!
Hello and Happy Monday,
It’s April! This has always been my favorite month - it's even better this year because today, the first, falls on a Monday. For me, the first on a Monday is just a sign to start something new.
We have a new Niyama (personal observance) to focus on – Santosha. Santosha is made up of two Sanskrit parts: sam meaning completely or entirely and tosha meaning acceptance, satisfaction or contentment. Santosha means complete satisfaction or entirely content with ourselves and with others. Like me, you might be thinking how does one obtain this? This is a tough concept. I have been on the receiving end of negative feedback; being told I could do better, how I was showing up wasn’t enough or that I wasn’t professional. All those things do not allow me to feel content or even close to satisfied. Instead, they feed into my doubts of lacking. I am grateful to have very appreciative practitioners and teaching yoga leads to a lot of accolades after class. Yet, even with the recognition and gratitude from students taking my classes, I still focus on the negative comments, I focus on the students that get up and leave in the middle of class, the students that tell me my music is too loud, who see me teaching and turn the other way, and who never show up for class again. With this focus, how could I ever be completely satisfied??
As humans, our brains function with “negative bias”. Our brains are built to have greater sensitivity to unpleasant news. I’ve read that the ratio of positive to negative feelings to create balance is five to one and positive events more likely to tip the scale are frequent small experiences. (This is based off studies done by John Cacioppo, Ph.D., then at Ohio State University, now at the University of Chicago.) So lots of little things negate the negative stuff. And despite what we may think, it's not the one big positive event, it's all the small frequent ones.
So – how do we get content? How do we become satisfied? How do we obtain acceptance? Let's start today with doing little things, turning the five small things into 10, 20, 30, etc. Doing small things for ourselves, for others and reaping the benefits. I can tell you this, I experience Santosha a lot, but not consistently all day, week, or month long. Which just reminds me, this journey is step by step – pade pade. A few years ago I lead a "pay-it-forward" challenge, and was overwhelmed with the outpouring of people that wanted to participate. Let's make this our focus for April. It's just groups of five small positive events throughout the day. Let me know if it makes a difference.
And I almost ended without an April Fools joke! Maybe that’s why I love April so much. One of the things I love most about April Fools jokes is that it’s a great reminder not to be so serious – which definitely helps with being more completely satisfied. How about not taking everything so seriously today and see how much you can laugh at?
Hello and Happy Monday,
What a week! I started last week in Old Town and ended the week in Peru! The trek here was exhausting but so worth it. My international retreat has started off wonderfully, and I am thrilled with how the week will unfold.
I was slightly concerned with the altitude here in Peru and getting sick. I read a few articles on what altitude sickness feels like and when we arrived in Cusco – after being awake for over 24 hours – I was wobbly, getting a headache, and maybe even a little nauseous. Immediately, my mind went right to the articles I read and I thought for a moment, I have altitude sickness. Then I remembered I was exhausted, and I needed sleep. I quickly changed my thoughts, thoughts have power. Remember, where we put our focus we give power. “I feel great” is what has been buzzing in my head since that moment.
Saucha, our focus this month, encompasses this and so much more. Since I am not at home and we are staying at a retreat center for a week, as soon as we checked in, before we napped, Joe and I took all our clothes out of their bags and put them away. We cleaned up the areas in our room so they are tidy. It feels really good when things are clean and organized. I tend to be messy, it's something that I don’t like about my habits. What I've realized is, being consistent with cleaning up is one of those things that I don’t prioritize. In the beginning the mess is little, I forget to put one thing away then two, then 10 and there is a mess. Papers everywhere, pens everywhere, piles. It defeats the purpose, as I work much better in a clean space than a messy one. Saucha is just that - in order to get to a place of calmness, surrender, and peace, we’ve got to clear out the clutter. Not just the papers and pens, but the incessant thoughts. How could you practice yoga with stuff all over your mat? How could you meditate when your mind is filled with everything happening in your life? I’d say it’s pretty difficult. Even if your desk is clean, are you facing a window? What does it look out on? Construction or a landscape? Everything we see we are taking in, and we know that makes an impact.
Notice what's around you this moment. Notice if it has an influence on how you feel and on what you are thinking? What steps can you do to change what you see, to clean up things on the outside to help with all that's going on on the inside.
Let me know what tips you have in keeping organized - I can use all the help I can get, and I know Joe would appreciate it.
Hello and Happy Monday,
It’s a new month! It’s one of my favorite times of the year. I love the change of the seasons. And I just love March – Spring represents a time for renewal, new life is growing all around us, the birds are chirping, and the warmer weather is just around the corner. I am happy just thinking about it. I’m also very excited as this month as I lead a group of 21 amazing humans on a journey to disconnect in Peru.
We have spent the last 5 months diving into the yamas and now it’s time to dive into the niyamas. The yamas and niyamas are ethical principles, or guidelines. In short, the yamas are social retrainsts, or ethics and the niyamas are self-disciplines, or personal practices. Niyama means positive duties or observances. Just like the yamas, there are 5.
The first niyama is saucha means purity, clearness, or cleanliness. It refers to much more than mind and body. For today, I’m going to focus on saucha in regards to the mind and the removal of impure thoughts, like conceit, arrogance, malice, and so on. The issue is, we are human and these thoughts can and will arise from time to time. You might have heard, “Where the attention goes, energy flows” (T. Harv Eker) or “what you focus on, you give power to” (derived from Ralph Marston). Last week, I wrote about seeing the “I can’t” faces in class and how when we think something we make it true. And as I have said many times in class, our perspective creates our reality.
I googled “how many thoughts do we have a day” and there were lots of different answers. anywhere from 12,000 to 90,000 thoughts in one day. Most days I feel on the high end of that. What we have to remember is that not all these thoughts are conscious and most of the thoughts are repetitive. A lot of these thoughts are the “what if” thoughts. I know these fill my head all day long. Whenever something happens and I say “I knew it!”, Joe has a nice way of reminding me that it’s a small percentage of my “what if’s” that actually realize. Keep in mind, most of the “what if’s” I’m writing about are the negative ones, fear-based ones.
So how do we shift our thinking? I’d like to just say, slowly, day by day, and practice makes permanence. While that is true, it’s misleading. If you are anything like me, you want steps, a process, something that has some clear lines.
Here are some steps to take when wanting to create healthier thought patterns that have worked for me:
Let me know how it goes. I love hearing from you. Please share what has worked for you in shifting your thoughts.
Happy (Almost) Spring,
Hello and Happy Monday,
It’s the last week of February. For being such a short month, it felt very long to me. Turns out the flu turned into a sinus infection and acute bronchitis. Sigh. While I like going down the holistic path, a few hours after that first antibiotic, I remembered what it felt like to be me. Some would call me stubborn. I would probably agree, but really most of the time, it’s very hard for me to get out of my own way.
This is another great example of Aparigraha. Getting out of our own way implies putting aside our habits, feelings, and behaviors, that we are the ones stopping ourselves from being successful, creative, our best version. This is easier said than done. We get attached to our ways. We cling to who we are – what defines us – a mom, a yoga teacher, an entrepreneur, and the meaning of all of those things – meanings we have heard, meanings we have created, meanings we think other people have defined as those things. What are we without those things? Who are we without those things? I know the answer to this one – we are us. We are our core selves. The “I” without all the history, without the definitions. This “I” is always there, but most times hidden under stuff. That’s what I think I love about yoga the most, it sheds the layers of the stuff.
However, it goes beyond what I just wrote, it’s all the things we claim we are bad at, “I’m not the best at communicating”, “I don’t have a great memory”, “I can’t.
“I can’t” comes up in yoga ALL THE TIME. I don’t hear it, I see it. I see the shaking of heads from side to side, I see the eye rolls, I see the sighs with the shoulder drops. As soon as I see this, I know that that person won’t go into the posture I am asking of them, not that day. I recognize the body language, because I’ve mastered those looks. But, I’m making a conscious effort every day to nod my head up and down, to smile when a challenge arises, and to keep trying to communicate in the best way that I can. I use tools, I found out my love language, my apology language, my Myers Briggs, my enneagram, my astrology sign and rising signs, all so I can learn how to forget what I’ve learned and just be me. I ask all my friends their data, to help me with them. In the end, all I really want is to feel connected and have healthy relationships.
I can tell you this, I don’t know what I don’t know – so help me – do you have a way in shedding layers, in becoming more of you? I’d love to know!
P.S. Physical Touch & Words of Affirmation; Expressing Regret, ENFJ, 2, Virgo Aries Rising – Moon in Aquarius – what’s yours?
Hello and Happy Monday,
Hope everyone had a wonderful week and weekend and hopefully you had a day off today.
We are on week 3 of Aparigraha – non-possessiveness, non-greediness, non-attachment. This week I wanted to focus on jealousy.
This is tough, because I experience jealousy, but don’t like to talk about it. It’s unflattering and ugly.
While it’s rare that I am jealous of someone else’s posture in a yoga class, I know many people who experience that and unfortunatley I know it deters a lot of people from coming to yoga class. There are times when it comes up but I always remind myself that if I put the practice in I could achieve most things. It’s not that I have such an amazing practice, it’s that I know my body and how it moves and I feel confident on the yoga mat, pelase remember I've been taking yoga classes for over 20 years, so this was a work in progress before I got it.
Jealousy comes up in other places for me. Jealous of the person that is super organized. Jealous of the person that can let things go and not hold a grudge. Jealous of the thin woman with no hips. Jealous of the person that can do math really fast in their head. There are a lot of things I used to be jealous of, like the latest and greatest gadgets or seemingly fancy vacations to all over the world. But I grew out of those jealousies and am genuinely happy when others get to go on exciting vacations and when they show me their newest toys.
During my Friday night Flow and Stretch class I recalled being “Teacher of the Month” at a studio I used to work for and having to answer some questions that would be posted in their newsletter. One of the questions was, “If you could have any natural talent, what would it be?” I answered with singing, and what I mean by that is not just holding a note or being on key, but opening my mouth to sing and having people turn around and look in awe, THAT kind of singing. I brought this up and asked the practitioners what they wished their natural talent was. We all shared and laughed and then came up with more realistic wishes for a talent we wished we had. Of course, we realized we could make those things come true. While I will never sound like Julie Andrews or Whitney Houston, I can take lessons to help with pitch and tone and learn how to use my voice. Whether it’s learning to play a musical instrument, knitting (which I have not stopped trying), tap dancing, whatevever you choose, we have the ability.
We don’t have to be jealous, we don’t have to even wish. We can be all we want to be if we try, just a little. Sometimes it just starts with a dream and then it becomes a reality. What are you dreaming about?
Hello and Happy Monday,
It’s February!! One of the best things I’ve ever done is make a yearly calendar with pictures of my children from the previous month and year. And when I flipped to February I remembered that the last two February’s we have had unseasonable weather – over 80 degrees. This year’s February picture is of my kids in bathing suits in the back yard. And guess what? I think we will get that day on Thursday!
This month my focus is on Aparigraha (Ap-are-e-gra-ha) which is a common theme in so many yoga classes – it’s the non-possessiveness, non-greediness, and non-attachment. As we all know, the act of letting go, reaches beyond yoga. And there is so much to let go of.
I remember when I first started teaching I practically said yes to every teaching job I was offered. This quickly filled my schedule and in the beginning it was great to be teaching so much, but I soon realized that when I wasn’t working I was spending my all ready little free time with my kids and I had no time left for myself.
A good friend of mine suggested I write out my schedule and color code it to see the bigger picture and to help me decide on how to rearrange my teaching schedule. It was startling. Once I added in commute time and prep time, I was working every single day and had only small pockets of “free” time. I knew I had to make a change, but I was hesitant and scared and sad. I was hesitant to drop a class or classes because I worked so hard to get them, scared because what if I couldn’t pay my bills without the extra income, and what if the students that had come to all my classes, that I had grown to really like, wouldn't follow me to the other classes & studios I was teaching at. Having my own free time didn’t seem worth it. But this is all the “F.E.A.R”! Remember – False Evidence Appearing Real. The reality is, when you let go, you make room for new things.
And that’s exactly what happened. It took a while, but I let go of 4 classes with a promise that I would agree to nothing new for 6 months. I gave myself 2 full days off. To tell you I was happy would be a lie. I was nervous and full of fear. What if this plan was the worst ever???
Of course It turned out to be great. In fact, I loved that time off so much, I found a renewed energy to spend time on creating valuable workshops, class ideas and eventually retreats. It allowed me to restore my faith in the universe that it’s always providing and it opened up my schedule for opportunities I couldn’t have imagined. My classes changed and some of the practitioners from the classes I left found me and showed up to my other classes. It all worked out.
This is an ongoing balance. I find myself going back to that color coded excel spreadsheet to see if I have slipped back into old habits, or making promises to myself to not agree to anything new and being picky with what I say yes to. And what I learned is that as long as I stay open & available with my time the right opportunities arise.
If it wasn’t for that work I would have never found or made the time for this blog. And I thank you so very much for reading it.
As Elsa says, Let It Go,